When I was eight years old, my 13 year old brother made fun of my dick in front of three other kids. He taunted me by telling the other kids I had a micro-penis. They giggled, I protested, he said it repeatedly, I had no come back. I was defeated and deeply embarrassed. Was this the source of my anxiety?
In high school, I was encouraged to play rugby because of my speed and build. I never told anyone that the reason I didn’t play was because I feared being naked in the showers.
We are all embedded in manhood, whether we like it or not. But the views and ideas that comprise it come from somewhere and someone. In this case, it was my brother. In my identity forming teenage years I believed I was subject to the same ideas of manhood. And perceiving myself to be ill equipped, I sought to shield myself from it’s ravages but unwittingly trapped myself in the dark. It took me another 15 years years to realise I was only hiding my penis from myself.
According to Buddha. each one of us is planted squarely in the centre of a world we create ourselves every moment. And by being at the centre of our world, we have the freedom and responsibility to influence how it all unfolds. This does not mean that manhood does not exist, or that we have a lot of power to control it, or that other people don’t matter. It is realising that each individual mind and body constructs meaning as a momentary act. That boyhood experience with my brother was a moment of unconscious darkness which found root in my mind and ness which lodged in my mind and grew like a cancer. But where there is unconsciousness, consciousness can arise again and again.
My realization of the impact of that moment as an 8 year old is an episode of consciousness, glimpsing a more meaningful order, firing like a spark plug between my mind and body – between my manhood and penis – and bringing forth my soul. With innumerable glimpses tied together, like ropes of cum in a stream of consciousness, the view of a new narrative unfolds.
Right now, let’s move beyond the limitations that come from allowing ourselves to be defined by external ideas about our penis, in the shadow of some other man we never seem to meet, and embrace the central source of our existence. By bringing our awareness to what is pouring out of us each moment, and moreover by intentionally shaping what unfolds, there are few limits on how ‘manly’, how superpotent we become.